dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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