So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
