I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
