Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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