I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just high enough for therapy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
