Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
