right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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