I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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