To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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