I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
