I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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