from now on my penis is your penis
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
as a side note pls kill me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
