For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
so he's a sleeptalker.
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain