My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.