I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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