he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
