What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.