I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."