I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin