you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
