On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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