mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
