i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
