I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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