just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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