dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
