Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
