Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
