i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
