I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She bit a glass in half.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
