dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
