Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
