if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
