She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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