just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
