After last night, I could never be a politician.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
