cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
