I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
