Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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