Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
