She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
