It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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