It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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