god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
