we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
