I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
