I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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