I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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