Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
