I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
