Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
