I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
