i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
