dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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