i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
