Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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