come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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